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Europe ’s Lesson To The World
The Europeans have turned against America in the War On Terror. They believe that Americans don't understand a thing about the world. That Americans are ignorant, shallow and drunk with military might. In such a people's hands, all that weaponry and the willingness to use it poses a greater danger to the world, or more specifically to Europe, than even Osama bin Laden. America's handling of Iraq is a perfect example. “We Europeans have a profound understanding of the local people,” they say. “You Americans don't even know where Iraq is located on a map.”
Thus think the Europeans.
Should America, and the rest of the world, listen? What is Europe's lesson to humanity? What example have they set for the rest of us?
To answer this question, we at the eXile have decided to let ze Europeans speak for themselves. A sort of “Europe on Europe” primer. Nothing could better test the European sense of profound inter-ethnic understanding than studying how Europeans view their very own European neighbors.
And when you do that, you find something incredible: Bigotry and hatred are the bread and water of European life. This isn't a vague, impersonal hatred; rather, it's a profoundly evolved, carefully tailored hatred, a SMART Hatred if you will, tailored as tightly as a Swiss banker's shirt towards the village over the hill, where your bosom enemies live.
Through hard and thorough research (ie., by pouring beer into the throats of selected Europeans and letting them rant), the eXile has managed to isolate and map the 18 fundamental hatred genomes that Europeans carry towards their neighbors - the RNA strand of Euro-hatred, if you like.
So put away your Lonely Planet guides, and pick up your Euro-Bigotry primer. It's because of European hatred that the biggest massacres in human history have taken place. And the wonderful thing is, in spite of all the post-war European talk of peace and understanding, all the bigotries still live on, waiting for the day when they can transform Europeans back from harmless disco-dancing buffoons into the murderous village brawlers they once were, and may someday be again.
So here it is, the European Hatred Genome map. Our gift to you. Europe's gift to mankind.
 Saturday, July 19, 2003 at 10:49 Host: 152.123.158.112 |
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Has Anybody Seen My European Lady?
There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes that he needs a whore. Most european staffers and readers have known that time - some more frequently than others - and I am no different, no better.
Last Wednesday, while getting wasted with Rudnitsky on comps at Oh La La, I knew that my time was now. I'm no high roller and neither is Jake, so we took our search elsewhere.
I figured I was smarter than those idiots who dial the numbers in the introductions section of The Moscow Times, hell, smarter even the ones who support our own advertisers! So I grabbed Tsentr Plus to save some dough. A whore's a whore, right?
After dozens of calls and hours of waiting, a $50 girl and her driver finally reported. She was some whore named Yulia: blonde, average height, slightly overweight, late 20s. I bid Rudnitsky farewell, and took her home with me. Thanks to her driver, I didn't even need a cab!
It's a five-minute drive from Jake's place to mine, and in that time she and the driver lectured me that I ought to blowing $100 for a four-hour session rather than $50 for two. By now it was already dawn; my logical facilities were weak. How else can I explain dropping so much for a sub-par lady? But I handed the money over and Yulia and I headed off to do the nasty.
The driver started to drive off... but then he stopped, calling to Yulia that she'd left her bag in the car. She calmly walked to the car and sat down. Up till this point, I noticed nothing amiss... Everything was cool. Even when she closed the door, I hardly suspected. Only with the car a good 50 yards gone I realize that I'd been jacked.
A hundred bucks isn't a lot in the scheme of things - shit, John Bonar of Marketing Russia took me for a lot worse - but there's a principle at work here. If you can't trust a whore, who're you supposed to trust? We had a deal!
And what did I get for trying to save money? Nada damn thing.
Don't be a fool: use your story every time!
Saturday, July 19, 2003 at 10:49 Host: 203.235.40.122 |
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